


Self Harm

by roseandthorns28



Series: convalescence [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek-centric, Gen, Hale fire, Recovery, Self Harm, therapy sessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 03:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4003618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseandthorns28/pseuds/roseandthorns28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The question echoes in his mind, amplifying with each repeat until the words don’t make sense anymore.</p><p>"Have you ever self harmed?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Harm

The question echoes in his mind, amplifying with each repeat until the words don’t make sense anymore.

_Have you ever self harmed?_

His first instinct is to scoff and say no but he doesn’t, proving to himself that he has been making progress. The old Derek would have simply denied, shut off or moved on from the question. He wouldn’t have lingered, as he lingers now, thinking about it. Really thinking about it. What he does say is, _what do you mean by that._ Because he wants to know. He wants to get better. He wants to heal.

So, he listens to the explanation and thinks, _have I put myself in harm’s way deliberately?_

The answer is a hesitant, _yes._ But it is also, _explainable, circumstantial, **necessary**_.

He talks about protecting people, the teenagers that suddenly became the focus of his life- his pack and otherwise, taking on creatures better than him, stronger than him, abominations, to protect that one human life in a hospital, a darkened pool, the sheriff’s office, warehouses, high schools. He talks about putting himself between the threat and the kids so they don’t have to take on it themselves. He talks about revenge, about pride, overconfidence, about protection, about sacrifice, helplessness.

He stops midway thinking that he was wrong. That there has always been a reason. He doesn’t do it to hurt. It just means he’s a shitty fighter. He was never meant to fight. So, when the time came, he couldn’t.

He hears, _does there being a reason make it justifiable._

So he says, _maybe_. Because he has no other choice.

And he’s told, _there’s always a choice. You just have to be brave enough to see it._

And he thinks back to all the times he’s been in ‘harm’s way’ so to speak. And he scoffs because that defines the majority of his life.

So, he tries to explain, how he doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t want to get hurt. But it doesn’t matter if he does because-

_Why?_

He doesn’t have an answer because it is true. He doesn’t want to die. Otherwise he wouldn’t be here. He’s always been persistent. Stubborn. Able to toil through anything life threw at him. He always has been since-

After the fire.

He skips over the fire, the self loathing, the guilt, the regret, the aching loss because they’ve covered all that. What he talks about is reckless risks, picking up fights, trying to invoke pain. He talks, for the first time in his life, about motel bathrooms and blades and cuts that healed as soon as they were made. He talks about relief, felt as the blood trickled out, the sting of the blade that parted the flesh, the anticipation between one cut and the other. He talks about the smell of blood, his; which should have been the one spilt for consorting with an Argent, a hunter. He talks about Laura’s shouts, Alpha commands to stop, her tears and her pleas to **not leave her alone**. He talks about shame and promises. He talks about moving on.

It’s almost night by the time he is done. There is nothing more to say, not from his side anyway and he sits, throat hoarse and tear tracks down his cheeks, breath slightly hastened by his nonstop verbal discharge.

A question makes itself known, _what about now?_

He thinks, takes a deep breath and remembers his sister. He remembers the sorrow in her eyes as she kneeled in front of him, his chin in one hand and his bleeding forearm in the other.

He thinks about the persistent, little, sarcastic kid who has been through hell and soldiered on.

He thinks about his Alpha and his anchor.

But more importantly, he thinks of himself. Of how far he has come since he was that scared little kid in the passenger seat of Laura’s car. How he is probably the only werewolf to give up being an Alpha without dying. About how he slowly let go of his past, his eyes changing back to yellow. How he survived even after losing his powers. About how _he_ evolved into a full shift.

And the answer is a resounding, _**no**_.


End file.
